Sue the Hairdresser! #2: Mario

Yes indeed. The prestigious pipe-plunderer, the prolific plumber, the moustachioed maestro (any additional bon mot you may wish to add, etch it in here. Somewhere in the margin, perchance, marker pen is remarkably effective on a PC screen. You too can contribute to an oddly tangential piece of wordplay). His lofty position in the pantheon of gaming idols – Spyro the Dragon is feeding him peeled grapes and wiping his ass when his daily ablutions/dump is complete – does not exempt him from mockery in the street from Mushroom Kingdom youths.

His hair is ghastly, they deride, like the mocking mocksters of mock that they are. While I don’t condone their habits of defecating on people’s doorsteps and riding the shells of despairing Koopa Troopas around town against their will, they’re indubitably right on this count.

Mr Mario himself, Nintendo wunderkind and Asian man-child Shigeru Miyamoto, laments this fact. In a clandestine interview, never heard anywhere in the world ever before, he proclaimed: “I know, it looks like hell. Indeed, it looks like hell… projectile vomited, like that psychotic girl from The Exorcist. Remember that anecdote about ‘Jumpman’ wearing a hat because the task of forming pixel-hair on this dude’s head was too strenuous? That’s pretty damn true, right there. Also, the fabricated follicles were so shockingly, nut-numbingly bad, obscuring them preserved a little of my honor. I myself shaved one of the animator’s own hair with a machete for presenting this craptacular work to me. We’re not talking head-hair, either. Crazy times.” I’ll concede that some of this may -may- not be verbatim. After a heavy bout of drinking, it’s hard to follow the flow of a conversation.

Nonetheless, the pertinent point remains. While he sports the kind of egregious facial hair that warrants burning at the stake, what lies beneath that venerated red-with-a-little-’M’-logo cap of his? Another copious dose of terrible fresh from the Devil’s nutsack. I’d venture that it resembles the prestine-ly positioned plastic mop of a Ken doll. Infused with a flamboyant curl, such as that which may, presumably, be seen in the freshly-formed turd of a homosexual poodle.